Ending The Agony
by Chasing.Twilight
Summary: I hoped whatever met me in the next life was tortuous and enough to make me pay for what I had done; enough to pay for not saving him. /you work out the POV.


**I feel like writing something **_**seriously**_** angsty; I think it's because I just read "Doubt" by Sillybella. You should check it out!**

**I just can't stop writing at the moment; I have several half begun oneshot saved on my computer and I was going to post one of them with this message but I don't think I'll be able to finish any of them today so:**

_Happy 107__th__ birthday Edward Cullen!_

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I wouldn't have to hurt anymore.

It made me more confident, as I strode forward towards the edge of the cliff. I looked down into the raging waters with a determined grin. My jaw set and I crouched down, squinting at the swirling creator of my impending death. It looked fairly deep, but not deep enough that it wouldn't hurt when I hit the bottom. That was good; I wanted to feel as much pain as I could on the way out. That way I would never have to hurt again, when I met whatever came next.

The clouds above me were an ominous grey; I had often heard people describe the sky as mirroring a person's actions or feelings. The skies were angry, the clouds heavy and swirling. The wind blew into me as I straightened up, catching in my hair and yanking it into a tangled mess. Impatiently, I pushed it out of my face and looked down again. I wanted to jump this instant, to end it all now, to make myself _hurt_. I wanted to hurt internally, even more then I was at this moment. I wanted to hurt so much I couldn't stand anymore. I wanted pain, because that was all I deserved.

But first, my hand clasped around my neck, and found the only thing I had left. A silver necklace, once belonging to my mother; it kept a picture of my beloved safe. I clutched it desperately, letting a few tears fall and splash onto the dry concrete below me. Rage built up inside me as I thought about how life had treated me. I didn't deserve this; all I had ever wanted was to love and to be loved in return. I opened my mouth and a scream of rage burst out of me. I fell to my knees, yanking my hair furiously. I wasn't worth a thing. I didn't deserve him, my beautiful angel. He had been so perfect, I had never been right for him. He should have always had someone else, someone better. What did I have to give him? I had nothing. That was entirely my fault.

"It's all you" I sobbed, directing the words at myself "ITS ALL YOU!"

Breathing hard, I stood up and tore the delicate chain from my chest. It snapped in my hand and the pendant nearly slid off. I clutched it between my hands in a praying gesture and looked up to the sky. "Take me" I whispered "end this."

A crack of thunder raged across the sky and another sob heaved through me. I extended my arm over the edge of the cliff and unfurled my hand slowly. It fell even slower then I had moved; twisting and hurtling as it went. I watched its progress, my mouth in a set line, my eyes ablaze with anger, sadness and self hatred. I should have provided better for him. I was a disgrace. I didn't even deserve to die. I deserved a life of pain.

I looked back over my shoulder, my hair catching under my neck as the wind blew, still, even more furiously. I had nothing to live for; he was never coming back. What other reason was there to live? 

No one would miss me. My family, my friends; they would be able to get on with their lives. I was just a burden to them now. I wouldn't put them through anymore pain; why should they have to feel it when it was _me_ who deserved it?

Looking back over the cliff edge, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. This wouldn't be ceremonious or dramatic; I wasn't worth that. I simply walked the very edge, slipping the ring from my finger and dropping it underneath me. With a furious energy, my foot blazed downwards, crushing it. Then I looked out into the water, and with a whispered "I love you", I jumped; off the cliff and into the raging ocean, to join my reason for breathing.

There was no reason for living, and there never would be. I hoped whatever met me in the next life was tortuous and enough to make me pay for what I had done; enough to pay for not saving my son.

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**I hope I did the angst stuff right ... I don't usually write it. But I was really feeling for it today and so ... I hope you all could work out who it was that jumped. I didn't want to give it away! **_**But in case you didn't know, it was Esme. She jumped off a cliff when her baby died of a lung infection. The whole self hate thing was because she believed it was her fault that he died and that if she had stayed living with her abusive husband, he would have lived. But because she ran away, she had nothing and thinks she deserves to die. "**__All I had ever wanted was to love and to be loved in return" __**is referring to the fact that her husband had never loved her and had been violent, and her son had died. He was all she had left.**_** This is in no way fact; its just my interpretation of how Esme may have been feeling the day she threw herself off the cliff.**


End file.
